These Are The Calls That Haunt Me
Don’t let yourself be the Jenny that fades away
“Jenny” is holed up in her SUV for her free 15 minute video consultation.
She’s looking over her shoulder every few words to see if he shows up, though he is supposed to be at work.
She quizzes me on which forms of payment I take, trying to see if she can figure out how to pay me undetected.
Can she pay by cashier’s check? (she can use grocery money to buy the check).
Can she Venmo me?
What about Zelle?
Jenny rattles off her spouse’s opinions of her mental problems when I ask her what her goals are. She doesn’t see space between what she thinks and what her spouse tells her.
She acknowledges she isn’t happy with her marriage, he treats her terribly but wants to work on herself. (Psst this is code for he refuses to go therapy or he went to a therapist and charmed her pants off so now he feels even more justified in his bad behavior.)
She wants to work on herself because she realizes she is the only person she can impact.
She talks about how she didn’t come from the best family and her trauma stresses her husband out. She assumes he will find out that she is meeting with a therapist, though she would like to keep it to herself so he doesn’t use this fact against her.
Eventually she will tell him my name because he wears her down. Jenny winces at the idea that her spouse might read my blogs about narcissistic abuse. If he finds out I specialize in narcissistic abuse, he’ll explode, claiming Jenny makes him look bad.
He always seems to find out anything she is doing. He is a bloodhound really – no matter what she does to ‘earn his trust’ he always distrusts her. He goes through her search history, she doesn’t know why or how to stop him.
(Free tip for the partner that is researching his spouse’s therapist on the sly. No amount of sleuthing will cure what ails you)
She also asks if there is any way her spouse can get a hold of her psychotherapy records because she is on his insurance policy.
Every step she makes anticipates his counterstep because there always is one. He claims it is because she has bad judgment and he is looking out for her but it doesn’t feel that way
(Guess what Jenny? You are right it isn’t for you, he is doing this for himself, because knowledge is leverage in his world)
Also Jenny questions why she is calling me at all.
I mean so many people have things far worse.
He really loves the kids and maybe she is just exaggerating how bad she has it.
It could just be her anxiety.
I mean he doesn’t beat her or anything like that.
She gets to stay home with the kids.
Maybe she shouldn’t even be calling at all because really she just needs to get her act together and be grateful for what she has…
About 50% of the time I never get a chance to do a real session with Jenny because her partner finds a way to block her ability to pay for it. Flashes of our meeting, the tension in her voice flare up in my mind for weeks after she ghosts.
Others come back eventually, apologizing because they don’t understand this stop-start stall start again is part of the process of getting better.
They will sit cross-legged on my couch and read off text messages so sharp they puncture your heart with a delivery that they would suggest they are telling you about the weather – trying to make sense out of cruelty.
So Jenny, let me be straight from the jump
Here are some of the things I know have happened to you,
He has cheated on you or threatened to
He has ruined holidays, your birthday or any special time that isn’t directly about him
He claims you are chronically mentally ill
He accuses you of putting him thru terrible mental anguish
He punishes you with money
He hasn’t hurt you physically but you think it’s only because you haven’t pushed him far enough yet.
He does track you – where you go, what you say, how you use money, who you see, what you value. You aren’t crazy, it is happening.
He has a list of ‘mistakes” you have made that date back years and no amount of apologizing end his taunts
And it’s okay, I know you cover for him all the time. It keeps the peace.
You brace yourself for his tirades via texts or whispers in your ear, as long as he doesn’t say it in front of the kids you can take it.
When he gets loud you are more concerned about getting him to be quieter than what he is actually saying to you.
If you focused on what he was saying you wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning.
You censor what you say to him because it soothes him. You erase any contradictory thought or undesirable feeling from your speech. You smile and nod at his speeches.
Everyone gets along better but you feel like a hologram version of yourself. The numbness sucks.
I have a particular name for these men. I call them stealth abusers – the ones that don’t need to touch anyone to control the whole house.
Or should I say emotionally immature partners? It doesn’t matter, you know who I am talking about.
Wives/partners of stealth abusers need to be clear who they are dealing with
This particular version of a narcissistic abuser is
- disciplined and focused
- can get in and out your head with a look or line, leaving your mind ransacked
- behave as if their very lives depend on their ability to control. Control is his oxygen.
- knows the law and exactly how far to push things to stay untouchable.
You have no objective evidence of his damage to point to, which makes you crazy.
There’s no one thing that could explain to outsiders what your life is like.
You are on a roller coaster with this guy – the whole house knows when he is disappointed, angry or uncomfortable because the air feels different…the way it does when animals know a storm is coming and head for shelter.
You appease, soothe, avoid and hope the storm passes by this time.
What sucks though is there is no shelter for you – the storm is in your shelter.
These guys are often smart and successful – so successful they long ago convinced you to stop earning money, let him take care of you – is it really care or a checkmate?
He has no charges against him, no police reports that indicate his damage. Though he may threaten you with charges and you believe him because you have watched him use systems (business, legal, medical etc) to his advantage your entire relationship.
You used to think that was one of things that made him remarkable, that he could make things happen – now it just makes him lethal.
He controls the money, knows how to create a mirror of your phone and could be tracking your car. All of it legal he tells you – his name is on everything. He is allowed to track his own car, mirror a phone he pays for. Besides, they are his kids too, he has the right to know where they are.
Leaving feels ludicrous because there is no place to leave where he won’t find you.
When you try to leave, even for a weekend, it becomes so much worse and it feels selfish because the chaos is spread out before your kids to see.
Like standing in the street in your underwear, you get clammy thinking about your futile attempts. You just never fight dirty enough, don’t want to at all actually but he will so it doesn’t matter what you do.
He has wreaked havoc with your friendships. He finds fatal flaws in every friend you ever made.
Kardashian level drama seems to break out at home whenever you plan a girls night. If you see your friends at all, it’s when he is at work. Your friends give you advice that would work in a ‘normal relationship’ not understanding what bomb goes off if you try to follow their advice.
Whether you share what is happening or not his goal is accomplished – you are more distant from your friends because you edit what you tell them. Your friend’s look of horror feels worse than just silently living through it.
He could write a doctoral thesis on your family. He isn’t completely wrong in his assessments, rather he just hounds you about it. Petty grievances get rehearsed over and over. He reminds you of things that happened in your family before you even met him. You forgot or are over it but it doesn’t matter. He won’t. It becomes easier to protect yourself and them by keeping them away.
You don’t know where you are going or who you are – apologizing is as instinctual as breathing – for not leaving, for wanting to leave, for not being able to make or carry out a decision.
If you left he will use your kids to his advantage in ways that make your skin crawl so you appease him hoping he won’t get desperate enough to use them.
All of this is the toll you pay having a narcissist spouse
We all know that guy – the guy that puts his wife down in front of friends thinking he is funny not recognizing how uncomfortable his guests become. The guy that is in love with his own opinions, stories and performance. But what is it like for that wife? To be the person meant to be the butt of every joke and the longsuffering audience to whatever is on his mind. What does she do to survive?
So what Kimberly, can you offer me given this shit show of a scenario?
Getting therapy for you won’t change him, it is true.
But that doesn’t mean you are hopeless.
First we do duck therapy – the proverbial lamp is going to fly regardless due to your spouse’s immaturity so let’s find a way for you not to get hit.
We role play, identify hot topics, phrases and emotional weapons of war to carve out a different way of responding which takes the conversations in a different direction. We find ways of responding that keeps you off the roller coaster as much as possible.
Then we deal with the trauma that has been done to you. This is super important, we will delve into what happened to you pre-relationship along with what is happening now.
Why do you ask? Because he uses your reactivity against you and you feel crazy. He caused so much chaos he can turn on your reactions like a light switch. This is where we do a lot of EMDR
Then you deal with the naming calling, self doubt and lack of competency
Your decisions will come naturally after that – we won’t have to go searching for it
Do I work with women still in narcissistic abusive relationships – yes. I do. Most don’t leave. I just need you to show up, stay honest and in the game of having the best life with what you have.
If you decide to leave we need to plan a Katie Holmes leaving Tom Cruise level exit. Nothing left to chance and assuming he will not respond well to anything. Worst scenarios are all explored. You will have to research everything.
Why? Because I guarantee you he already has.
Whether you stay or go, the most important thing is to let go of the fantasy that has kept you going all these years – that he will come to his senses, get therapy and want the best for everyone – he really doesn’t. He wants to win.
The world we want to create is richer than the fantasy – I promise.
You deserve a life that is more than just reacting and surviving your partner’s latest stunt.
Hit my calendar link to start therapy today by scheduling a free 15 min video consultation.
