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Ways to disarm a narcissistic husband

Stating the obvious here – no one needs to maintain a relationship with a narcissistic husband. My point in writing this blog is that many do to stay and are left with no direction when experts respond with a ‘leave’m or else’ proclamation. As therapists we know better than that. Many partners stay and there is information we can give them to make life easier.

Try the grey rock method

What is “grey rocking”?

Grey rocking is the art of not reacting to provocative behavior or words. It is not about containing your anger – most narcissists can smell simmering rage and will increase provocation til you react. It is about a non-response because you recognize it has nothing to do with you – you observe it as you are watching tv. You don’t assume you can impact the script of a tv series and know the actors would behave the same way whether you are watching or not – they are following a script. When activated many narcissists respond in predictable ways that reflect their past, not who you are or what you did. Your job in that situation is to not respond, to go about doing what you are doing as if they just made a comment on the weather. If your narcissistic husband asks, you can let them know you heard what they said but don’t go past a one word/or few words as possible response.

How can someone implement grey rocking when dealing with a narcissist?

The narcissist’s provocative behavior and words often wears down a narcissist’s loved ones. Significant others often talk about feeling “on” all the time and being unable to relax as they are on high alert for the narcissist being unhappy. The loved one feels they are “on call” and must ‘fix’ the narcissist’s problems to prevent the narcissist’s wrath. Grey rocking frees the loved one from the on call/fix cycle – they are no longer responsible for another’s feelings or reactions. Narcissists crave attention and focus as if it is the air that sustains them. If the provocative behavior ceases to achieve the listener’s focus the narcissist is forced to choose between maintaining the behavior or getting their attention needs met. By repeated experience the narcissist is given an opportunity to behave differently and explore if they can get attention in a more prosocial way.

How can this help / what’s the point?

The listener lets go of the responsibility for controlling the narcissistic husband. They can be less drained and carry less resentment. Often narcissists do not attempt more pro-social interaction styles unless they see it as to their benefit. Grey rocking inspires the narcissist to try something different in order to maintain attention.

At what point should someone try the grey rock method?

Often those married to narcissistic husbands have a higher than healthy threshold for bad behavior. Spouses of narcissistic husbands were often trained in childhood that their needs did not matter and to give others in an unbalanced way. I would strongly suggest the spouse of a narcissistic husband explore in their own individual therapy how and why they ended up in this relationship. Do not wait until you feel you have reached your limit to practice a new skil, particularly grey rocking as it takes a lot of self control to pull off. Pick one behavior that is perhaps annoying as opposed to upsetting to start practicing grey rocking. This response needs to be built up like a muscle. Start small. After you have practiced your non response on smaller rifts utilize grey rocking on a consistent behavior that provokes you.

Try accepting the narcissist as is

If you have decided you want to maintain your marriage with the narcissist husband one must let go of the expectation for the narcissist to be different. The exhaustion many loved ones feel with narcissists is due to the effort they put into trying to get the narcissist to see their point, acknowledge the error of their ways and change. Just stop. Most know that narcissists can move mountains when motivated. Let them find their motivation.

Significant others can want narcissists to change so desperately in the hopes they can have the loving relationships they see in others. They can spend hours trying to craft the perfect response that will allow for the narcissist to see the light. This is not your job. You cannot force another to have a moral conviction or desire for another way of living. Do not compare your relationship to others relationships as it will just cause despair. Choosing the route of acceptance also means your spouse will not meet your needs in a balanced way. You will be limited in how you connect and share with the narcissist. Establish and nurture friendships and partnerships that can meet your emotional needs rather than expect the narcissist to change. I would also strongly suggest nurturing hobbies that give you joy and practice them often. This can be a tall order for the spouse of a narcissist since they have learned to bury their needs in service to the spouse. It can be counterintuitive to focus on what you love after ignoring those needs for so long. The path to less resentment and more joy lies in finding your interests again.

Strive to connect with your narcissist husband over mutual interests and activities. Think about times when you connect the most to help you think about when to connect.

Don’t allow yourself to be the audience for destructive behavior

Narcissists crave attention. If you are being treated disrespectfully, leave the room, building, go on an errand – do what you need to do to separate yourself.

Don’t announce you are leaving or why as that can be an invitation to escalate conflict. Do not respond to the rash of nasty texts at all. I would recommend you erase them as soon as they show up and do not read them – they don’t matter.. The narcissist will figure out why when you are consistent enough.

Ever hear of the extinction method for kids where you ignore their negative behavior? This is the adult version of that response. To keep your attention he will have to consider more prosocial behavior. They are capable of writing an appropriate text or having a polite conversation – they just have to decide that is what is needed. Give them the opportunity to make the decision.

Develop a tolerance for disappointing your narcissistic spouse

Many narcissistic husbands expect if they get upset at their spouse, their spouse will appease them. Make a little noise, throw out a few accusations, sprinkle in some references to their childhood and bam, my wife does what I want. I am not kidding here – I have worked with narcissistic husbands that have bragged about this equation as if they discovered a cure for cancer. Wives need to not play ball. You need to learn to say no, no thank you, that doesn’t work for me, and I won’t be doing that. It will be hard. Your narcissistic husband will probably increase the intensity of their mantrum in hopes that you will cave. Notice the reaction but do not match the intensity – rather stay calm. Refrain from trying to make your spouse feel better or make amends for your no. Just stand in it. This will be hard and at times feel unnatural if your go-to response is to appease. If it feels unnatural that is okay – new responses often feel unnatural in the beginning.

Word of note – I do not believe husbands have cornered the market on narcissistic behavior. I am simply addressing narcissistic husbands as my clients often have relationships in the past or currently with narcissistic husbands.

If you are interested in more information for navigating and recovering from narcissistic abuse schedule a consult https://kimberlyperlin.com/meet-with-kimberly/

  1. Desperate housewife

    Desperate housewife

    January 23, 2024 at 8:40 pm -
    Reply

    How to go about when they keep following you after you don’t cave it?, mine practically Chase me around the house shouting the terrible person I’m and how my silence is just a form of manipulating him.

    1. Kimberly Perlin

      Kimberly Perlin

      February 13, 2024 at 2:18 pm -
      Reply

      This is all about what you are willing to live with – some folks respond only when they are leaving the house so they can’t be followed and erase any texts that come. After doing that a few times their partner gets the hint and stops following them around because it causes their partner to leave. Some decide they don’t want to live with someone that won’t allow them to end a conversation or have a break.

  2. Kathy

    Kathy

    April 20, 2024 at 3:20 pm -
    Reply

    How should you react when your husband disrespects you and says you are in a partnership?

    1. Kimberly Perlin

      Kimberly Perlin

      July 29, 2024 at 8:19 pm -
      Reply

      There are no easy answers. It depends on your goal and your individual spouse’s reactions. Often times it is easier to stick with discussing the unwanted behavior rather than talk about bigger ideas of what a partnership means since many with NP traits will drag you into a bigger fight about the definition and expectations of a partnership. I am so sorry you are dealing with disrespect.

  3. Natalie

    Natalie

    June 22, 2024 at 4:14 am -
    Reply

    My husband constantly lies to me and cheats on me. We agreed to stay together for the kids but it’s getting harder. He won’t come clean about his affairs or stop lying.

    1. Kimberly Perlin

      Kimberly Perlin

      July 29, 2024 at 8:14 pm -
      Reply

      I am so sorry to hear that Natalie. You are in an incredibly difficult spot

  4. Tammy

    Tammy

    July 1, 2024 at 1:23 am -
    Reply

    I am going through a lot 😞

    1. Kimberly Perlin

      Kimberly Perlin

      July 29, 2024 at 8:20 pm -
      Reply

      I hope this blog helps you in some way Tammy

  5. Natalie

    Natalie

    July 15, 2024 at 10:05 pm -
    Reply

    My husband won’t stop lying to me. He will gaslight me until I drop the issue whenever I’m mad. If I could ever get into his phone I know it would be over. The proof is in his phone.

  6. Sameeen

    Sameeen

    July 25, 2024 at 12:54 pm -
    Reply

    I came accross my husband is narcissistic behaviour he abused me and my entire family unnecessarily he just to get topic and start but if he is not get any topics he start taking about pass mistakes and anger abusive words many more he assassination of my character i can’t tell you in words how much he come down. We almost completed 4years of our marriage but still time is not work . First year of my marriage i feel it happens to ever lady but is not true. I thought slowly everything will be fix accordingly happy marriage life but sadly is not work anymore. Even I tell him we plan for baby he said no to me but if someone asked what you guys planning for baby he come to my face and said I’m responsible for this. I’m the reason not to conceive. Without any report or doctor he puts my name. I can’t even help myself this not happened one or two times i ignore or let them go everytime he going same thing or more than that. I seriously don’t know what I supposed to do it’s about my life i already lost my 4 years behind him maybe change his behaviour yet to be wrong prove by him.

    1. Kimberly Perlin

      Kimberly Perlin

      July 29, 2024 at 8:22 pm -
      Reply

      I am so sorry Sameen. It is very unjust.

      1. Jessicalee

        Jessicalee

        November 2, 2024 at 1:46 am -
        Reply

        This feels very good. The timing is perfect. When I read your words, I felt a rush of emotions and had to stop many times to understand what you meant. I even read it aloud, feeling surprised and happy—how did you know exactly how I felt? It’s like I am waking up for the first time in 20 years.

        I have never had this kind of connection with anyone before. It seems like this person has played a part in my life, leaving me with a lot of sadness. I spent so much time hurting myself and dealing with the pain I caused someone I loved in the past because I thought I deserved it. I kept telling myself that my feelings didn’t matter, but that is not true. No one should feel this way or doubt their right to be happy.

        When I think back to before everything began, I realize I lost a part of myself. I faced disrespect and betrayal that hurt a lot. It is painful to remember the lies, especially from someone I trusted. That first lie broke my trust, and now it’s hard for me to believe in others again.

        Now, at 45 years old, I have experienced things I never thought would happen, and I let sadness take over my life for too long. But I am starting to understand my value; I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Even though it’s difficult and I often feel lonely, I am determined to find my way back. I know others like me need help and inspiration to keep going.

        It’s hard, but I won’t give up. Your words have helped me so much; they express everything I am going through right now. I felt the beauty in your message and found comfort in it, repeating your thoughts in my mind. It has been a difficult journey. Thank you for writing such meaningful words; they really resonate with me.

        I wish I could reach out and hug you to show how much I appreciate your effort. It means a lot to me to have someone who understands what I’m going through. Please keep sharing your talent; it shines brightly and helps many people, including me.

        This has made it clearer to me what I want in my life. Misery really loves company. There is a lot of darkness and cruel people around me. I come from a family that taught me to be kind; kindness is everything to me. This situation has almost drained me. I have never faced a person who could lie to me while looking me in the eyes, and I know without a doubt they are lying; it eats me up inside.

        I gave him my best; I’m not perfect, and I will always apologize when I’m wrong. I don’t always want to talk about things when they bother me, but I have never been in a situation where I needed help but didn’t know where to turn. It’s a long story, but I am willing to make a change. I want to find a way to leave this situation behind, but I don’t know how to begin. I feel very lost. I wish I had friends to help me, but right now, it really hurts. I had everything going for me, and now I feel stuck. Your words are inspirational and give me hope.

        I pray every time I can I pray for a second chance change in luck a chanve that helps me just enough to give me the op

  7. Emma

    Emma

    October 21, 2024 at 2:36 pm -
    Reply

    My husband went out to spend a night with friends the other night, and despite telling me he would be home, he decided to stay at his friends without communicating this to me. Because I was upset by this, he’s turned it around and said I just don’t want him to spend time with friends and is now nearly 48hrs into not speaking a word to me. He can’t understand that it wasn’t that he stayed out, it’s that he didn’t bother to tell me he wasn’t going to come home. The silent treatment is making me feel anxious and on edge all the time.

  8. Shoshana Kashnow

    Shoshana Kashnow

    October 21, 2024 at 8:19 pm -
    Reply

    Every time I feel I am in my own vibration and in my own skin my covert narcissist of a husband shames and shrinks me. I feel my body skewing left as if to protect my heart. I switch between loving him and hating him. I don’t want a divorce but the way he dominates my life kills me.

  9. Fatherhood

    Fatherhood

    October 31, 2024 at 9:59 pm -
    Reply

    Can narcissistic abuse in a marriage be effectively treated through therapy, and what strategies can be used to help the victim heal and regain their sense of self-worth and autonomy?”,
    “refusal

  10. Sayuri

    Sayuri

    November 1, 2024 at 5:48 pm -
    Reply

    My husband presents all the symptoms of NPD, plus he doesn’t like to work hard on anything besides his dream job (musician). Thus I take care of our 2 kids, bills (most part) and house chores on my own. However, I really think he loves (in his way) me and our children, if it’s possible to love and hurt someone at the same time, but he behaves as a selfish little boy, and I also love him although I am very hurt. I can’t make a decision of leaving him or fully accepting this without fighting. I have a trauma with absent father and don’t want to see my children struggling with this too. But I am living a miserable life, depressed and hopeless.

  11. Leah

    Leah

    November 3, 2024 at 3:15 pm -
    Reply

    My husband gaslights me.. I see on his phone he got on a sex hookup dating site and n his profile wrote: “I’m looking for good sex.” He denies and says it’s from years ago. Then why is it in his recent history? He says he’s stopping this behavior so we will see. He’s a good provider and I love that. I found other searches related to women on his phone. But each night (he works late) he comes home to me. Help.

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